60 Questions to Ask Before an Arranged Marriage (Including the Awkward Ones)

Short answer: Before saying yes to an arranged marriage, ask about everyday life, money, family and living arrangements, careers, children, health, how they handle conflict, and intimacy and consent. Ask the same questions both ways: the girl and the boy should each ask all of them. Below are 60 questions in that order, plus the red flags to listen for.

The biodata tells you height, salary, gotra and hobbies. It does not tell you how someone behaves when they are tired, broke, sick or angry, which is most of married life. A few meetings and a handful of calls are not much time, so the questions you ask matter.

You do not need to ask all 60. Pick the ones that matter most to you and save the rest for later calls.

How to ask without it feeling like an interview

• Go first. Answer the question yourself before asking it. "I'm someone who needs a quiet Sunday. What about you?" feels like a conversation, not a test.
• Spread it out. Light questions in the first meeting, money and family on the second or third call, intimacy once you are both comfortable.
• Listen to how they answer. A thoughtful "I'm not sure, let me think" is a better sign than a perfect answer delivered too fast.
• Talk alone at least once. Ask your families for one meeting or video call without anyone else in the room.

Everyday life (1 to 8)

1. What does a normal weekday look like for you, from waking up to sleeping?
2. What do you do on a free Sunday when no one needs you?
3. Are you a morning person or a night person?
4. How do you feel about cooking and housework? Who did it in your home growing up?
5. How much time alone do you need to feel like yourself?
6. How often do you like to go out, travel or meet friends?
7. What are your habits around drinking, smoking or food that I should know about?
8. What is one thing about you that people usually find out late?

Money (9 to 16)

9. Do you have any loans or debts right now, and how are you paying them off?
10. Are you more of a saver or a spender?
11. Joint account, separate accounts, or both?
12. Do you support your parents or siblings financially, and do you expect that to change?
13. How much would you spend without discussing it with your partner first?
14. What are your big money goals for the next five years: a house, a business, travel?
15. If one of us lost a job, how would we handle it?
16. Where do you and your family stand on dowry and expensive wedding demands? (Dowry is illegal in India, and a clear no is the answer you want.)

Family and where you will live (17 to 25)

17. Where would we live right after the wedding? Joint family or our own place?
18. If we live with your parents, what would a normal day look like for me?
19. How involved are your parents in your decisions today?
20. What happens when you disagree with your parents? Give me a real example.
21. How would we split festivals and holidays between both families?
22. What do you expect from me with your family, and what can I expect from you with mine?
23. How will we care for our parents as they get older?
24. Who in your family are you closest to, and why?
25. Is there anything in your family's past I should hear from you rather than from someone else?

Career and relocation (26 to 31)

26. Where do you see your career in five years?
27. How do you feel about me working after marriage, and after children?
28. Would you move cities or countries for work? Would you move for mine?
29. If both of us get good offers in different cities, whose career comes first?
30. How many hours do you really work, including calls at night?
31. What would you do if you could quit your job tomorrow?

Children (32 to 37)

32. Do you want children? If yes, how many and roughly when?
33. What if we have trouble having children? Would you consider treatment or adoption?
34. Who will take time off work when a baby comes?
35. How were you disciplined as a child, and what would you do differently?
36. How much say should grandparents have in raising our children?
37. Which religion or traditions would our children grow up with?

Health (38 to 42)

These feel the most awkward, so ask them gently and offer your own answers first. Some families now exchange basic health check reports before the wedding. If you both agree to it, it is a mutual step, not an accusation.

38. Do you have any ongoing health conditions or take regular medication?
39. Are there health conditions that run in your family?
40. Have you ever seen a therapist or counsellor? How do you feel about it?
41. How do you look after your health day to day?
42. Would you be comfortable if we both did a basic health check before the wedding?

Conflict and feelings (43 to 50)

43. When you are angry, what do you do? Go quiet, shout, walk away?
44. What did fights look like between your parents?
45. Do you need space after a fight, or do you want to sort it out right away?
46. How do you say sorry?
47. How do you show love, and how do you like to receive it?
48. What would break your trust?
49. Tell me about a time you changed your mind on something important.
50. Why do you want to get married now?

Intimacy and consent, the awkward ones (51 to 57)

Most lists stop before this part. But a lot of unhappiness in arranged marriages starts with two people who never talked about sex, touch or pace before the wedding night. You do not need graphic detail. You need to know that the other person will listen.

51. How comfortable are you talking about physical intimacy? It's fine to say "not very, yet".
52. Do you expect anything to happen on the wedding night, or are you happy to take it slowly?
53. How would you want me to tell you if something is uncomfortable or hurts?
54. What does consent in a marriage mean to you?
55. Are you comfortable seeing a doctor together if we ever have trouble with intimacy?
56. Have you been in a relationship before, and is there anything about it you want me to know?
57. How do you feel about contraception, and who is responsible for it?

If these questions feel impossible to say out loud, our guide on how to talk about sex in an arranged marriage has word-for-word scripts, and our page on consent in marriage explains why question 54 matters so much.

Three questions to ask yourself (58 to 60)

58. Am I saying yes because I want this, or because I'm tired of being asked?
59. Would I be comfortable being myself, fully, around this person in five years?
60. Is there an answer I heard that I'm trying to explain away?

Red flags in the answers

• They refuse to talk alone or let a parent answer for them.
• Vague answers on money, debt or past relationships after you have asked twice.
• "My parents will decide" for decisions that are about your life together.
• Laughing off the consent or comfort questions.
• Expectations about your career, clothes or contact with your family that were never mentioned on the biodata.

One red flag is not always a deal breaker. A pattern is. And if you are still weighing the whole idea, here is our honest take on arranged vs love marriage.

Once you have said yes, the next conversations get easier. Our arranged marriage intimacy guide and the gentler first kiss in an arranged marriage page pick up from there.

FAQ

For adults only.