How to Give (and Get) Feedback in Bedroom Without Killing the Mood
Swagata Deshmukh - Feb 14, 2025
Giving feedback in the bedroom doesn’t have to kill the vibe! Here’s how to share (and receive) pointers without turning your steamy session into a performance review.
We’ve all been there—something in bed isn’t quite hitting the mark, but you don’t want to be that person who turns a steamy session into a feedback form. At the same time, wouldn’t it be nice if your partner magically knew exactly what you like? Spoiler alert: they don’t (unless you tell them).
Giving and receiving feedback in the bedroom is an art—one that can take your intimacy from meh to mind-blowing without making anyone feel awkward, insecure, or like they’re getting graded on a performance review. So, let’s talk about how to do it right.
Why Talking About Pleasure Matters
For some reason, we’re taught to be loud about what we don’t like—bad food, bad customer service, bad WiFi—but when it comes to pleasure, a lot of people just… go silent. The truth is, intimacy isn’t just about getting physical; it’s about making sure both people feel good, emotionally and physically. When you talk about what you enjoy, you're not just improving your experience—you’re deepening your connection, building trust, and making sure your partner feels confident and appreciated too.
A lack of communication can lead to years of unspoken frustration, mediocre experiences, and even resentment. On the flip side, couples who openly talk about their desires, preferences, and boundaries tend to have more fulfilling and exciting love lives. When you normalise these conversations, they stop feeling awkward and start feeling like a natural part of your relationship. Because let’s be real—if you can be naked together, you can definitely have a conversation about what feels good.
How to Give (and Get) Feedback in Bedroom
1. Timing is Everything
Imagine you’re devouring your favourite meal, and someone suddenly says, “You should really season this better.” It would totally ruin the experience, right? The same goes for intimacy. If you bring up an issue mid-moment, it can feel like a critique rather than a helpful suggestion.
The best time to have these conversations is before or after. A casual chat about preferences while cuddling, over a glass of wine, or even through flirty texts can set a positive tone. Post-intimacy is another great time, especially if you frame it as a reflection rather than a correction. If something really isn’t working in the moment, gentle guidance like “I love it when you go slower” or “Can you do that again, but a little to the left?” keeps things sexy and constructive.
2. Start With the Positives
The Compliment Sandwich, But Make It Sexy. No one likes feeling like they’ve failed a test, which is why the way you deliver feedback in the bedroom is key. A simple trick is to start with what you do love, then gently introduce a suggestion, and end with reassurance. It keeps the energy positive and makes your partner more receptive to trying something new.
Example:
❌ “You’re too rough, it’s not working for me.” (Ouch, right?)
✅ “I love how passionate you are. If you go a little softer here, it’ll feel even better. But wow, I adore how you make me feel.”
This makes the feedback feel encouraging instead of critical. Bonus? Your partner is way more likely to take it well.
3. Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Statements
If there’s one rule that applies to every part of a relationship, it’s this: “I” statements work better than “you” statements. Saying “You never do enough foreplay” sounds accusatory and defensive, but saying “I love when we take our time with foreplay—it really turns me on” makes it about your experience, not their failure.
Similarly, “You’re going too fast” can make someone feel like they’re messing up, but “I love it when you slow down—it makes everything feel even better” turns it into an enticing invitation. People naturally respond better to encouragement than criticism, so framing your feedback in the bedroom with an “I” statement makes all the difference. One feels like a complaint; the other feels like an invitation.
4. Get Playful With It
Talking about what you like in bed doesn’t have to feel like a corporate performance review. Keeping it light and flirty makes the conversation easier and much more fun. If something isn’t quite working, instead of saying, “That doesn’t feel good,” try a teasing approach like “You know what would drive me absolutely crazy? If you did this while using a massager.” It turns the conversation into an exploration rather than a correction.
Another great way to make feedback in the bedroom fun is by incorporating it into your dirty talk. A simple “I love it when you do that” or “That feels amazing—keep going” in the heat of the moment is instant positive reinforcement.
5. Non-Verbal Cues Are Your Best Friend
Not every piece of feedback in the bedroom needs to be verbal—your body can do a lot of the talking. Moaning, pulling someone closer, or moving in response to what feels good is an easy, natural way to guide your partner. If something isn’t working, shifting your position, slowing things down, or gently guiding their hands can send the message without saying a word.
If you’re on the receiving end of feedback in the bedroom and aren’t sure what your partner likes, pay attention to their reactions. Are they tensing up? Pulling away? That might be a sign to adjust. Are they leaning in, breathing heavier, or making little noises? Bingo—you’re doing something right.
What to Do If Feedback Hurts Your Ego
Let’s be honest—no one loves hearing that they could be doing something better, especially in bed. But taking feedback in the bedroom personally is one of the quickest ways to shut down honest communication. Instead of seeing it as criticism, try reframing it as an opportunity to level up.
Here’s how to handle it:
- Don't panic or assume the worst. If your partner tells you they prefer something different, it doesn't mean they've been secretly hating everything until now. They're likely just excited to explore new sensations and deepen your connection.
- Get curious instead of defensive. Try responding with open-ended questions like “Ooh, I didn't know you liked that! Tell me more.” or “That's a great idea—let's try it.” The more open you are to feedback, the more comfortable your partner will feel sharing—and that means better experiences for both of you.
- Pause before reacting. If the feedback stings a little, take a deep breath before responding. It's natural to feel vulnerable, but reminding yourself that pleasure is a journey, not a test, can help shift your mindset.
- See it as a sign of trust. The fact that your partner wants to share feedback in the bedroom with you means they feel safe enough to communicate. That's a win, not a loss. When someone stops giving feedback, that's when you should worry.
- Remember—everyone is always learning. Even the most experienced lovers can improve and evolve. Instead of seeing feedback as a correction, think of it as a cheat code for even better intimacy.
Feedback = Better Pleasure, Not Criticism
At the end of the day, feedback in the bedroom isn’t about pointing out flaws—it’s about making sure both of you have the best experience possible. So, keep it positive, playful, and encouraging, and watch how much closer (and hotter) your intimate life becomes.
And hey, if all else fails, there’s always the foolproof method: a cheeky whisper of “Let me show you exactly what I mean…” 😉
