Why Do I Date Men Like My Father?

Team MyMuse - Aug 22, 2024

Why do I keep dating men like my father and is it really a problem?

I know this is screaming ‘daddy issues’ but hang in there, it’s so much more than that. Here’s a little anecdote- I had a very elaborate wedding with my father when I was 6 years old. Yes, I know, we’ve all lived the same childhood. I thought that was just Freud happening to be right, and his Elektra complex playing out just the way he predicted, but I was wrong.

Like every 20-something woman, I don’t think I have a perfect relationship with love, intimacy and dating. Over time the description of what the ‘perfect’ partner means also changed drastically- it went from a tall billionaire to a kind, funny, loud and ambitious man- traits that mirror the ones I admire in my father. Since I haven’t found these things yet, I’m relying on Breeze massager for women.

The Safety Net We Don't Always See

My dad and I have had a tumultuous relationship, but it’s seen way more highs than lows and we always manage to find common ground. I never thought I lacked a ‘father figure’ in my life but I soon realised that the men I was attracted to happened to not just look like my father, but also had the same, weird eccentricities. For starters, they were usually loud, wildly extroverted, extremely funny men, and let me tell you, funny men are not the best at being emotional pillars.

You may find yourself dating older men. In my case, these men were smokers and had a penchant for an extra drink, but they were loyal and warm and filled up every room they stepped into. It was almost like I was juggling all these things that I had such a deep disdain for growing up, along with the things that brought me the most joy.

So why do I date men like my father? I know that we, as humans are hardwired to repeat patterns, anything familiar makes us feel safe, even if it isn’t necessarily the best for us. We thrive in the safety of knowledge and when things have been bad for far too long, even the good feels uncomfortable. If your dad was a distant absent figure, you may find yourself unconsciously seeking partners who mimic that behaviour. I, for one, might seek men who cry at the drop of a pin. Anything even mildly sad and my dad can be caught silently sobbing.

Phil Dunphy saying, ‘I’m the cool dad, that’s my thing

The Hero Complex

I also know that for most of us, our fathers are unconsciously put on the ‘hero’ pedestal. We idealise our fathers and view them as saviours and protectors. It is possible that perhaps when we’re searching for people we want to spend the rest of our lives with, those traits are deeply desirable. We want to be saved and protected, we want to be with someone worth putting on a pedestal. But to all of you who’ve grown up, you know your dad falls off that pedestal at some point. He becomes human, and I truly believe that’s when that relationship becomes richer because you’re able to view his vulnerabilities and complexities. I wish there could be a water-based lubricant for relationships because it makes things smooth and friction-free.

I would want to date a man who sings and talks so loudly I can hear it in the other room, a man who can make anyone feel like they belong. I want to come home to a man in the kitchen, an old Bollywood song echoing in the house. It’s safe and comfortable to delve right back into the same old way of life and recreate the familiar.

Woman saying, ‘I’m in love with your dad

Evolving Beyond the Familiar

I know it seems romantic when you view it like this, but every coin has two sides and I don’t want to live with the other side. Sometimes, the process is less about repeating patterns and more about evolving them. If you’ve grown up with a complicated father figure, you might find yourself dating men who are similar but with an intention to “fix” or change things for the better. I don’t want to date a smoker or a man who lives in the extremes. I don’t want to fall for an angry man, just to prove to myself that I can ‘fix’ his anger. Everyone knows (even my father) that that’s just not possible.

Sidenote: If this blog is getting stressful for you, use personal massagers for women to relax and unwind.

I’m slowly learning to dissect my relationship with love (and with my father), not to break away from these patterns entirely but to understand and navigate them consciously. Our childhood has such a massive influence on who we are, and it’s important to acknowledge that. It’s about crafting a love life that is both reflective of who you are and aspirational of who you want to become. So yes, you can find a man with good humour and a charming personality, but if you keep dating angry alcoholics, maybe there’s a problem.