We think it’s time to take the pressure off, turn the pleasure on, forget about ‘coming’ and forge a new way to sexual fulfilment.
Before we get the orgasm gap police calling us out, we just want to say that orgasms are awesome. There is no denying the power of a toe-curling orgasm. But working towards one with blinders on can take the fun out of it. If the expectation of an orgasm (that of yours or your partner’s) takes up all your attention, you might forget that you’re already experiencing pleasure in more ways than one. Besides, we’ve had one too many bad orgasms (or non-existent ones) to know that coming doesn’t define sex. #SayNoToBadOrgasms.
So why do we put so much emphasis on arriving at the end, and arriving so soon? Are we as Indians pre-programmed to keep the rat race going even when we're in the bedroom?
Why are we so obsessed with the big-O? Is sex not sex minus an orgasm?
Societal pressure forces many women to fake it till they make it, which keeps the idea of an orgasm on a pedestal. And on the flipside, men are perceived to be less macho if they can’t finish or perform. Even the general vocabulary around “coming” has connotations of achievement or completion, turning it into the ultimate goal of any sexual encounter. And to put the cherry on the cake, orgasm-centric content produced by media and porn give us the impression that sex is incomplete without the “money shot”. But we all know that intimacy is nothing like it is in the movies or porn. And so it’s time we started looking at the big-O as a fringe benefit, and not another thing on our never ending to-do lists that we need to bang out.
Take the pressure off, turn the pleasure on.
As crazy as that might sound, when you take the idea of orgasms off the table, your goal is simply fun and pleasure. Numerous sex therapists suggest that goal orientation detracts from sexual pleasure. Clinical psychologist Dr. Britney Blair said (on the Future of Sex podcast with Bryony Cole), “Pressure is the least sexy thing ever.” So why not let go of the pressure to perform? The results could be rather remarkable. Intimacy lies in the sweaty messiness of sex, when your head is at the foot of the bed, your limbs look like you’ve played Twister and you might hear a queef or fart or other unidentifiable noise. When you forget about performing, you’re left with real and unhinged pleasure.
Pleasure ≠ orgasm
Let’s get real, we don’t always know how to make the opposite person come, but that doesn’t mean everything else you’re doing in bed isn’t exciting and fun. At MyMuse, we think foreplay is coreplay, and is just as fun as penetrative sex. In fact a study published by the Journal of Sex Research says that pleasure ratings were significantly higher when the activity occurred without orgasm. So there you go! Pleasure can be derived from anything: a massage, a shower, teasing your partner in a public place, or maybe even cooking croissants together. *Cue the bakery scene from It’s Complicated.*
Pleasure minus (-) orgasm
What if we told you that people all over the world choose to forgo their orgasms because they actually find it pleasurable? We swear on our nipple clamps that we’re serious. Some practitioners of tantra as well those who follow the Taoist teachings of Mantak Chia practise a number of techniques (more on this later) which are cyclical in nature, and don’t end in release or ejacualtion. While common in some ancient traditions, the practice of semen retention has garnered support among modern research circles as well citing benefits for the body and the mind. There’s also the modern day practice of Edging that we spoke about, that’s all about getting closer and closer to the edge and then pulling back– in order to intensify your climax later.
Orgasms are amazing and always will be, but next time you’re getting down and dirty try focusing on how you feel throughout the process, rather than just on the ‘end goal’. We bet that’s what Ralph Waldo Emerson was thinking when he said:
It's about the journey and not the destination.
**This article was written by one of our talented guest contibutors, Nazma Kazani. Born in Bombay and blossomed in the UK and Jordan, Nazma is a producer, journalist and scrambled eggs extraordinaire who creates content that promotes the diversity of human experience.
While our contributors do research a great deal to give you up to date and relevant content, this is basis publicly available information. Our contributors are not doctors or healthcare service providers and our content does not constitute or act as a substitute for medical advice or diagnosis under applicable laws. All suggestions, advice, points of view etc., are meant for adults in the privacy of their own homes.