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'Coming' Out of Your Sexual Rut

'Coming' Out of Your Sexual Rut

Starting to feel like it’s all down hill for your sex life? If so, here’s how some of us are getting back our sexual highs.

There was once a time when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. A time when you were overcome with that rush of a new relationship. And each time your clothes came off, you knew you were in for a treat, about to unlock a new mystery of your partner’s body. But as with all shiny new things, sometimes even the hottest sex lives can lose their luster.

Heading into that last quarter of 2021 filled with a sudden burst of social obligations, bedroom activities can sometimes take a backseat, leaving your sex life languishing. If your sex drive feels like it needs to hit refresh, it could be that you (or your partner) are simply in a rut. The good news: with a bit of imagination and intention, shaking things up is totally within reach. We spoke to some of you about your challenges in keeping your sex life exciting, and some handy solutions that have worked for you:


Eff the Formulas

Whether you’re single or not, it’s very easy to memorise a road map to orgasm, which is tried and tested. Sure, it gets the job done, but not exactly knock-your-socks-off exciting is it? For Rohan* and his partner of 4 years, date nights are starting to look more like Netflix-nights on the couch than cosy candle-lit entanglements. “Things are just not as hot and passionate as they were before. We know each other’s daily demands and stresses, which has left getting-it-on pretty predictable” he shared. The problem is that predictable sex or masturbation can get really old, really fast. When you know what’s coming, you find yourself going through the same motions, almost on auto-pilot.

Role Play Your Way (to a mind-blowing O)!

Fortunately for Rohan* and Kaavya*, they found a way to bring fantasies into their #sexgoals which helped kick predictability’s ass. “We made a sexual bucket list of sorts, and committed to strike off at least one fantasy a month. It’s been 4 months, and trying new things has really kept us on our toes during sex,” shares Kaavya. Bringing in fantasies, role-play or anything new to the mix is sure to stop that wheel of familiarity in its tracks, allowing you to explore new ways of being together.

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Time After Time

“With work and living with the in-laws, I honestly have zero time to spontaneously feel sexy and jump into bed”, said newly-wed Amira*. With the onslaught of married responsibilities, her sex life seems to have taken a backseat. We’re all guilty of letting deadlines or family commitments take priority over time between the sheets. But when you look at your day, there’s always things taking up dead time, like the 144 minutes each day we spend on social media

*Pro Tip*: Ditch your phones outside the bedroom an hour before bedtime, and see how quickly your hands wander over to each other instead.

Scheduling is Sexy

Amira managed to prioritise her pleasure by sending date night invites and sexy texts to her husband’s Google calendar. “I really don’t think of scheduling sex as a big deal any more. Making time for sex is so much better than no sex at all. And now that I know it’s coming up on the calendar, I find myself getting more and more excited even before it’s time for our 'meeting' to start,” she admits. Certified sex coach and educator Gigi Engle says, scheduling sex is an amazing way for partners to keep intimacy and satisfaction alive and swears by it herself.

 “There’s this very pervasive and annoying myth that sex should just happen. For a lot of people, sex in long-term relationships generally doesn’t work that way. And that’s fine!”

*Pro Tip:* Schedule sexy time into your shared calendar with your partner, and use it to build anticipation. Knowing you’re going to be getting down later can build excitement through the day, and keep you more prepared than a spontaneous session that’s usually hampered by laziness.

Talk It Out

At the end of a rocky relationship and break-up, Anuj* had no sexual drive or desire to download a dating app, let alone go on a date. “Not being with someone for so long tends to make you feel less attractive, a little insecure and makes you want sex less,” he said. If there's one thing we can all agree upon, it’s that break-ups are hella challenging. After taking four years to deal with his issues, he decided to seek out the help of an intimacy coach. “Through different exercises, I was able to be open and honest not just with my intimacy coach but with myself as well. I came to realise that my sex drive hadn’t simply evaporated but that I could only be intimate with someone if I loved them. It was really a relief,” Anuj explained. 

*Pro tip*–  If seeking outside help isn’t your cup of tea, start by talking to your partner! They’re not a mind reader– So if you’re unsatisfied with your sex life, the only way for them to know is if you tell them. Instead of criticism, like “you never want to have sex with me”, try using constructive language and ideas, like “I’d love if we could try…. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.” 

You Can Go & Love Yourself (Just like Beiber)

Try to imagine or recollect a time when you felt scintillatingly sexy — what was going on? What were you thinking about yourself? Even if you weren’t aware of it at the time, try to harness a memory that makes you think of yourself as a sexy and sensual person. Let it fill you up. Check yourself out in the mirror, and maybe even take some sexy artistic nudes. Turning yourself on is the first and best way to light the sexual fire within, and keep things exciting between the sheets.

Also read: 
Not In The Mood? No Problem
5 Ways To Regain Confidence After A Dry Spell


* Names changed to maintain anonymity
** This article was written by MyMuse team member, Nazma Kazani. If you have a perspective you'd like to share, get in touch with us on

While our contributors do research a great deal to give you up to date and relevant content, this is basis publicly available information. Our contributors are not doctors or healthcare service providers and our content does not constitute or act as a substitute for medical advice or diagnosis under applicable laws. All suggestions, advice, points of view etc., are meant for adults in the privacy of their own homes. 

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